I don't depend on friends the way others do. I've never had to, and I don't want to now. It's my family that I need. Friends have never in my adult--or even my teenage life, been a necessity because I refuse to rely on them. Because most of the time I don't like others much. A lot of them are needy and they expect too much of me and they push their friendship on me when they aren't wanted.

 

That's not to say I don't care about the people in my life, because that happens when you get to know someone, and that only takes a few moments together. But trust me, you can care about someone and not like them at the same time. I'm an expert at doing so. I don't always like my family very much either, even though I love them so much and so deeply that it hurts. It's twisted and maybe it means my mind is kind of warped and my heart is too, but it's WHO I AM.

 

I hate people, I get anxious when I'm surrounded by them, and I loathe having to talk to them, but I love some of them and care about all of them. Sure, it isn't right and I know that, but somewhere along the way I lost my ability to ignore the darker parts of humanity even if I can still see the good in some of them too. I've had to re-learn how to let people in even though I still don't trust them, whereas it used to come naturally to me as a kid, and most of the time I'm not so good at it.

 

I'm only human. I get sick of accepting everyone for who they are when it seems like no one wants to return the sentiment. They assume things about me instead of asking. They do stuff without checking to see if it's what I want. They make promises and break them. They expect things of me and get angry when I fall short even if I never made any promise. And most of the time I just don't care enough to put forth the amount of effort it takes for me to let them get close.

 

I'll admit, I'm not so good of a friend. I don't call very often and I don't always remember to write. I'm way insecure and sometimes that makes me do stupid things like lie. I don't talk about everything, especially not my emotions; I don't tend to talk much at all, really, but I listen when someone is talking to me. I try not to judge, 'cause I get that sometimes people do not-so-nice things and sometimes really bad things. I even sometimes get why they do those things. I really don't like it when people get in my personal space but if someone needs me, I'm there with my arms wide open, even if I often refuse to let anyone touch me when it's me that needs comforting.

 

I have a lot of bluster for a semi-pacifist and sometimes I act like I think I'm all big and bad. I get angry and irritated too easily, but I try not to hurt anyone, physically or emotionally. When I get hurt I expect an explanation and an apology, but I move on, even though I won't forget. Sometimes when somebody hurts me, I lash out by bringing up things from the past. I might accidentally, or even sometimes on purpose, ignore people for awhile, but I always get back to them, even if it takes some time. I don't like it when I'm wrong but I'll admit it and I try to appologize when I realize it. And I'm kind of self-righteous when it comes to certain subjects and there are some things I refuse to discuss.

 

Yeah, I'm selfish. No, I don't have any faith in people. And sometimes I don't have much respect for people or their beliefs, even though I try not to say anything. But can someone please just stop and remember that I have my reasons for being this way, and maybe someone disappointed me once too many, and maybe they pushed me away too often, and maybe I cried over it enough, and maybe I stopped hoping somewhere along the way because it hurt too much.

 

This is who I am. And maybe I don't necessarily like myself very much, but no one else has any right to ask me to change. If you can't love me the way I am now, who says you could any other way?