Return to Ch. 1-5

Chapter Six: Unspoken Rules

Faith could only stare at the once again closed door. She’d recognized the anxiety, the need, in Buffy’s gaze in that last look. Buffy wanted this. Faith just didn’t know when that had started.

I’ve always known she wasn’t ashamed. She doesn’t hide our relationship or her feelings. Even if she’s purposefully taunting everyone with it, it’s always there. They just don’t see it, see us.

But this is gonna hurt someone. They’re not gonna like that we ain’t told ‘em. Her eyebrows furrowed as her gaze fell to the now silent phone. They’re not gonna like the relationship we have. They won’t understand, and they’re gonna get hurt when they try to get between us.

And it’s gonna hurt B, too. Faith felt her chest tighten painfully and her eyes burned. They’re gonna make her—us—choose. And no matter what they’ve done, she still needs ‘em; I still need ‘em. But I won’t let go of B, and I think she lost the ability to let go of me a long time ago.

Faith knew their relationship had only been allowed to begin because Buffy was a broken shell of the girl she used to be. For weeks, Faith had violated her in so many ways, and Buffy hadn’t cared so long as she could return the favor. She’d even begged for it. Even now, there were days when Buffy was in so many pieces that she barely even knew what she was begging Faith for.

Months had passed before Buffy finally began letting it all out in words along with the pain they inflicted. Faith had been at turns horrified and enraged at the things she’d heard. She’d known stuff had gone down between Buffy and CO. But she hadn’t understood the consequences.

Now she knew intimately. It had been carved and dug into her. It had been buried to its’ hilt inside her. She’d felt it driven into her in a torrent of pain and rage and tears and blood; Buffy needed Faith as much if not more than Faith needed her, just to keep herself together at times.

Maybe they need to feel it, Her darkness whispered, though not for the first time. But this time, Faith was listening as it roiled inside her. Maybe it’s time they realize what they’ve done. Their need to sweep everything under the rug destroys her, and I pick up the pieces time and again.

Faith couldn’t argue with that. She hated them at times. She hated Dawn for expecting so much of Buffy and she hated Giles for the same thing. She hated Willow for asking for so much of Buffy’s time and she hated Xander for wanting more than Buffy would ever be able to give him.

They’re never gonna stop hurtin’ her if they don’t know that they’re doin’ it in the first place. Our relationship is what it is and nothin’ can stop that, on both accounts. But things could be better for Buffy and them. It might make it worse, but sometimes risks have to be taken.

Faith’s expression hardened. Maybe they would regret it. They most likely would. But Buffy wanted them to know and Faith wasn’t going to ignore that, wouldn’t sweep it under the rug.

Shaking it off, Faith climbed out of bed. She paused to stretch, groaning in satisfaction as her aching body tensed and relaxed. Then she crossed the room to flick the light on before searching for her clothes. She found her tank top by the door where it had been dropped the night before and pulled it on before turning to search the clothes strewn throughout the room for her panties.

***

Buffy stared at her reflection in the mirror above the sinks in the communal bathroom down the hall from their hideaway. An internal conflict was raging behind her eyes. She knew the reason behind her actions just now. She just wasn’t too certain what the results would be.

Physical wasn’t the only way they had become each other’s outlet. There were two unspoken rules between them. Everything they were was in the open; thoughts, dreams, wishes, emotions, needs. And nothing and no one would ever be allowed to get between the two of them again.

It didn’t bother Buffy that they never spoke those rules aloud. It should have, she was sure. They spoke of everything else, even things that shouldn’t be given voice. But never what they meant to each other now, even if she knew with certainty that it couldn’t—wouldn’t—ever be love.

Or maybe it was. They’d learned a lot about Slayers over the years. They’d learned that Slayers were more governed by the demon than initially thought. It wasn’t too impossible to believe that maybe, just maybe, Slayers weren’t capable of loving by human standards, but by demonic ones.

Buffy let out a shuddering breath. It didn’t seem important to her to define their relationship. It should’ve felt odd, after all the importance she had placed on relationships in the past. But now when she thought of Faith and felt that burning need, Buffy only needed to know Faith was hers.

The reasons behind her actions weren’t hard to understand. The secrecy had been fun. It was even amusing to see how much they could get away with without anyone calling them on it. But it was getting between them, keeping them apart at times, and Buffy was beginning to resent it.

Quite frequently, they only had time for frustratingly short bouts of passion during their workweeks. Untimely interruptions sometimes occurred during their weekends together. They’d often had to abandon their plans for the weekend in favor of work. They’d taken to teasing their friends as an outlet when they had the chance to hang out, but that was a double-edged sword.

‘Platonic’ kisses and touches shared in public that left her wanting. Maintaining just enough restraint to make them wonder when her body ached for more. Hiding need behind sarcasm at their shock. It wasn’t enough any more and Buffy wanted it to stop, she needed it to stop.

She just didn’t know if Faith felt the same way. Buffy thought she did. But Buffy was afraid to hope. She didn’t want to make that assumption and then lose Faith and their friends in the end.

That was why Buffy was leaving it up to Faith. Faith could make the decision on whether to act or to just take this incident as a joke and leave it at that. It was a gamble. One way or the other, someone was going to end up hurt, and Buffy could only hope that it wasn’t her or Faith again.

Buffy wasn’t fooling herself. Faith knew her well enough to have read her emotions in that last glance as Buffy was leaving. It would hurt if Faith chose to ignore that. Faith had never turned a blind eye to Buffy or her needs, and it would break something inside Buffy if she started now.

***

Faith was sitting on the padded window seat smoking a cigarette. She’d taken the blanket down from the window and put the window up after she’d finished getting dressed. She’d wanted a smoke and the room needed aired out anyway. Buffy’s cell was lying on the seat beside her.

She figured it would be some time before Buffy returned. Buffy had most likely freaked herself out a little with her revelation and would need some time to convince herself to come back. It had happened a few times when Buffy had first started to explain what she wanted from Faith. Buffy would need space to struggle with the shame she sometimes still felt over her needs.

Faith tried her best to always give her that. The others wouldn’t, so she had to. Most of the time, she found that she didn’t really have a problem with that. She got the need for space.

They were going to have to talk about this though. Buffy wanted their friends to know. Faith got that, and on some level, she even craved it. It would be great to be able to blow people off when she and Buffy wanted some time alone without having to make up some kind of bullshit about it.

And as much as Faith enjoyed tormenting their friends, it would be even better if they could drop the act. Sometimes Faith wanted to be able to exact her revenge when Buffy was teasing her in public without having to restrain herself. Sometimes she wanted to be able to just touch Buffy. She wanted to be able to do all that and she didn’t want to have to make it a punch line.

Faith blew out a stream of smoke and leaned her head back against the window frame. Her gaze immediately searched out the towering main building of the school across the quad. The brick building would be quite empty at eleven AM on a Saturday. Typically, the only people that could be found on campus on weekends were the ones who lived there and a skeleton crew of Slayers.

Faith didn’t blink when the phone rang. She just took another hit from her cigarette and then casually reached for the phone. She eyed the Caller ID display for a second. Then she thumbed a button to accept the call, ending the debate once and for all as she brought the phone to her ear.

“Mornin’, Red. How goes it?” Faith greeted, letting the smoke curl out of her mouth.

The other end of the line was silent for a moment, then, “Faith?”

Faith couldn’t help but smile. The confused tone of voice brought to mind an innocent sixteen year old girl in overalls and a brightly colored shirt. It wasn’t an image most people associated with Willow too often these days. Unless someone got her babbling, then it was easy.

“Yes?” Faith drawled innocently.

Yeah, Faith knew it was horrible of her. She could flat out tell Willow and get it over with. She could even ask her if they could meet somewhere so they could talk it out. But that wasn’t her.

“W—why are you answering Buffy’s cell phone?” Willow asked, and Faith could almost see the beginning flush of embarrassment. “Or did I call the wrong number? Shoot, I could’ve sworn—”

“Red,” Faith began.

“—that I’d punched in her speed dial number. Yours is supposed to be six—”

“Hey, Red,” She tried again.

“—and Buffy’s is supposed to be four. That was the way I programmed—”

“Shut up for a minute, will ya, Red!” Faith barked.

“Hey!” Willow objected. “There’s no need to shout, missy.”

“Unless Ken or X-man is there somewhere, then yes,” Faith said peevishly, “there was. That was some quality babble. I didn’t see you shuttin’ up any time soon without some kind of help.”

“Oh,” Willow muttered sheepishly. “Sorry.”

“In answer to your question, yeah, this is B’s phone,” Faith continued, rolling her shoulders to release some of the tension that was building. “But she’s in the bathroom.”

“Okay,” Willow drawled out. “So what are the two of you up to? I didn’t think you were going to be around this weekend. Didn’t you say you were doing a circuit of the clubs with a friend?”

—Buffy, face tilted towards the ceiling and highlighted by strobe lights, eyes closed in rapture as they ground against each other’s thigh—the glimpse of a devilish smile over a bare shoulder as Faith was led through yet another bar towards the back door—teeth scraping Faith’s throat as Buffy pinned her against a stall door. Faith flicked her cigarette out the window, smirking.

“Oh, I did,” Faith said, a hint of sex leaking into her tone. “This is just where we wound up.”

“Um, okay?” Willow said uncertainly. “Is Buffy going to come out any time soon?”

Faith clamped her teeth down on her bottom lip to hold in her laughter. Her eyes bulged slightly from the effort and she shook her head. She bit her lip harder and the tang of fresh blood flooded her mouth as the mostly healed mark from the previous night was torn open. Faith absently probed the wound with the tip of her tongue and hissed softly as it stung in response.

“Are you okay, Faith?” Willow called out.

“Y—yeah,” Faith snickered. “I’m great. You just caught me off guard.”

“Caught you off guard? How did I—” Willow stopped herself and then started to repeat what she’d asked previously. “Is Buffy going to—Faith, you just had to go there, didn’t you?”

“Why, yes,” Faith said thoughtfully. “Yes, I did.”

“Faith,” Willow groaned, chuckling slightly. “Look, just tell Buff that Ken and I are having lunch at Reeve’s at noon if she wants to join us. You’re welcome to come along if you want.”

“You know,” Faith started, “that’s too freakin’ easy to jump—”

“Faith,” Willow warned. “Just don’t, okay?”

“Okay, okay,” Faith rolled her eyes. “We’ll be there.”

Chapter Seven: Out with It

Buffy was a little startled when the bathroom door opened. She couldn’t have been gone for much longer than half an hour. She looked up from where she was sitting against the wall on the sink counter to find Faith looking back at her. She cringed a little at Faith’s serious expression.

“Is everything okay?” Buffy managed to ask despite her nervousness.

“Talked to Red,” Faith shrugged, leaning back against the door. “We’re supposed to meet her and Ken at Reeve’s at twelve. I didn’t think you’d want to just tell her over the phone.”

Reeve’s was a café that they’d discovered shortly after they’d first moved to Cleveland. It served just about anything they could want. Even better, they were open twenty-four/seven. Everyone was fairly certain that the owners were aware of the nightlife, since they never asked questions.

“Oh,” Buffy murmured. “I guess that’s good.”

“We’ll see,” Faith nodded nonchalantly.

They fell silent. Buffy tilted her head back against the wall and gave Faith a wry look. They were both avoiding the subject. Though, Buffy supposed it was more hesitation than avoidance, because one of them would inevitably break the silence when their patience ran out.

Faith’s gaze dropped and Buffy knew without looking where her attention had gone. Faith was very good at hiding what she was feeling, but her eyes gave her away every time. Then Faith gave a little sigh, and it was apparent that she wasn’t even trying to hide it any more. Faith’s jaw muscles bunched as she clenched her teeth and her shoulders slumped as she looked away.

“Faith,” Buffy spoke softly. “Don’t. I knew what I was doing when I provoked you.”

It was both a warning and an entreaty. She heard the sigh Faith gave and saw her chest heave from the motion. Then Faith finally looked back at her. The pride and the grief shadowing her features took Buffy’s breath away and it showed in Buffy’s expression as her lips parted.

Faith shoved off the door in a violent surge of motion that made Buffy suck in a harsh breath. She loved to watch Faith when she moved. Faith closed the distance between them in five long strides. Strong hands pushed Buffy’s thighs apart so that Faith could fit in the space between.

“Do you know what you’re askin’ for, B? Just stop and think for a minute before we go and meet them there,” Faith demanded hoarsely. “Think about what’s going to happen when you get what you want. ‘Cause as much as you want this, want me, someone’s gonna get hurt by us.”

“I know,” Buffy murmured, eyes closing in shame. “I know what might happen. But this isn’t enough anymore, and you’ve never left me wanting before. I don’t want to resent you for that.”

Faith just nodded. Buffy was telling her she could handle anything else. Faith lifted a hand and caressed Buffy’s jaw. When Buffy leaned into her touch, Faith let her hand slip down to Buffy’s throat and rubbed the pad of her thumb over the mostly healed cut partially hidden by a hickey.

If pushed, Faith would react. Buffy knew she would. No matter how much it would hurt, if their friends tried to separate them, Faith wasn’t going to let her go. And neither would Buffy.

“I need you,” Buffy whispered, letting her eyes open.

There was a world of meaning in those words. She needed Faith’s unwavering trust. She needed Faith’s touch. She needed Faith’s friendship. From anyone else, need would’ve been called love.

“You’re mine,” Faith replied steadfastly.

That said just as much. Faith was jealous and possessive when it came to anything of hers. And no one just took anything from Faith now. For anyone else, it might have been disturbing; but for someone who had had everything that mattered taken away, it was nothing but reassuring.

A lone tear fell from Buffy’s left eye, but she was smiling. Faith swooped in and pressed her lips to Buffy’s cheek, darting her tongue out to lap up the salty wetness. She lifted her other hand to cup the opposite side of Buffy’s neck as she moved her lips down further. Their lips brushed once, twice, and then Faith sealed their mouths together, not caring if they were going to be late.

***

“It’s your fault.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Yes, it is.”

“And how is that, Princess?” Faith asked sardonically. “Were you handcuffed to somethin’?”

Buffy just laughed and rolled her eyes as they reached the sidewalk outside the restaurant. She could see Willow waiting for them just outside the double doors. She breathed a silent sigh of relief, ignoring the knowing glance Faith shot her. She felt none of the anxiety from before.

The truth was Buffy had just needed to know that Faith was with her on this. She hated the thought of losing her friends. She needed them too. But it all came down to one thing.

She needed Faith so much more than she needed them. It wasn’t just what Faith gave her or did for her. She just... needed Faith. It was Faith’s presence that made it okay for her to do the things they did together. It was Faith’s presence that helped soothe the nightmares she still suffered.

Buffy sighed again. She knew the moment Willow got a good look at them. Willow’s expression of amused exasperation was short-lived. Buffy wasn’t really surprised when Willow rushed over.

“Oh my Goddess, Buffy,” Willow gasped out. “What happened to you?”

“Well, it’s like this, Red—” Faith started caustically.

“Faith,” Buffy warned, backhanding her in the stomach.

“What?” Faith drawled, shooting her an innocent look.

“Don’t even,” Buffy laughed softly. “That look just does not work for you.”

“Guys,” Willow interrupted, frustrated. “What happened?”

Buffy exchanged a look with Faith. They hadn’t actually discussed how they would handle the whole ‘coming out’ thing. Faith just shrugged. Buffy took that to mean that it was up to her.

“It’s nothing, Will,” She gestured around them. “This isn’t really the place to get into that.”

She would wait until they were seated inside where no one could overhear them. The waitresses usually seated anyone from their group at one of the out of the way tables. It was a discrete move that they were thankful for. It was also a bit more evidence that the owners were in the know.

“Oh,” Willow replied, disappointment evident. “Well this ruins everything.”

“Huh?” Buffy asked, exchanging another look with Faith to see that Faith was just as confused as she was. “How does my looking like someone caught me in a chokehold ruin lunch?”

Willow suddenly looked extremely guilty. The last time Buffy had seen her with that particular expression had been when Buffy and Faith had caught her and Xander smooching; again. But Buffy wasn’t so amused this time. In fact, she could feel her blood stirring from rising anger.

“Willow, what did you do?” Buffy demanded, and was surprised by the growl in her own voice.

“Um—well, you see,” Willow stammered, wringing her hands. “We all thought it was a good idea. We’ve just been so worried about you. You haven’t tried to see anyone since S—since Sunnydale, and you see, we have this friend, his name’s Matt—”

“Willow,” Buffy was trying to stay calm as she interrupted.

“He’s great, and we think that if you would just give him a chance, you’d see it, too,” Willow continued babbling as if she hadn’t heard Buffy. “He’s cute, and he’s sweet, and he knows about the supernatural, so you wouldn’t have to worry about that, and he thinks you’re pretty, and—”

“Will,” Buffy snapped. “Shut up!”

“What?” Willow blinked, stunned. “I was just—”

“If my memory serves me correct, you’ve told me all this before. Yesterday, in fact,” Buffy hissed, her voice trembling. “Did you not hear what I told you in response?”

Faith gritted her teeth. Now she knew why Buffy had sounded so desperate to get her alone yesterday morning when she’d called to confirm their plans for the weekend. She also suspected that this had something to do with Buffy’s decision to finally come out to their friends. Faith reached out to Buffy, unconsciously reacting to the anger and tension radiating off of her lover.

Buffy felt Faith place a hand on the small of her back. Normally that gesture would have calmed Buffy down. But this time, it barely had any effect at all. She’d reached the limits of her control.

“Yeah, but—” Willow started.

“Did I, or did I not, tell you that I was not interested in seeing anyone else?” Buffy asked flatly.

“We’re just doing what friends are supposed to,” Willow protested feebly.

“You were making assumptions none of you had any right whatsoever to make,” Buffy hissed.

Willow drew back like she’d been slapped. She stared at Buffy for a long moment, tears welling up in her eyes. She shook her head in disbelief. Then she finally spoke again.

“I didn’t want you to be lonely, Buffy,” Her voice shook. “That’s all, I swear.”

“Bullshit,” Buffy sneered, leaning aggressively towards Willow. “There’s a difference between being alone, and being lonely, Will. And I haven’t been either of those in a long, long time.”

“W—what do you mean?” Willow choked out, eying her with a mix of hurt and anxiety.

“What I mean, Willow...” Buffy snarled, her eyes darkening.

Buffy was seriously pissed. Faith could feel the tale-tell bunching of the muscles underneath her hand. She recognized that tone of voice from some of their more intense sessions and knew it for the warning it was. Faith took a steadying breath, and then she took her life in her hands.

She stepped forward, pressing herself flush against Buffy’s back. Clamping an arm across Buffy’s upper chest, Faith held Buffy tight. She braced herself for a struggle, and then she felt the trembling start. After a few silent seconds passed, Faith pressed her lips to Buffy’s temple.

“Let me handle this,” Faith whispered softly.

Buffy had gone taut the moment Faith had put her arm around her, and then she’d started shaking from the strain of restraining herself. At Faith’s question, Buffy didn’t answer verbally. She just forced herself to relax in Faith’s embrace. Then she nodded, letting her eyes close as she focused on just containing the fury that was so, so tempting to give in to.

Faith sighed internally. I’m so gonna pay for this later. Then she glanced up at Willow to find the redhead staring at them in stunned fascination. Faith pursed her lips, and then shrugged.

“What she means, Red,” Faith finished Buffy’s sentence scathingly, “Is that she’s mine.”

Chapter Eight: Expectations

“What?” Willow asked in a strangled voice. “You’re joking, right? Buffy, tell me she’s joking.”

Buffy didn’t reply. She was a little afraid of what she’d say if she tried to. Her emotional reaction was so intense that she couldn’t stop the shaking. She clenched her teeth as she listened to them.

“Red,” Faith sighed, “Just calm down. We’re together. Get over it.”

“How long,” Willow paused, and then tried again, “How long has this been going on?”

“About four years,” Faith shrugged, and then asked, “Shouldn’t we take this inside?”

“Why haven’t you told us?” Willow demanded, ignoring her.

“Is that—” Faith started to ask, ‘Is that really important right now’, but Willow interrupted.

“No, I want to hear this from Buffy,” Willow snapped. “I deserve that much.”

Buffy couldn’t help it. She laughed. It was a humorless, throaty sound that Willow hadn’t ever heard. Faith had, though, and Buffy felt Faith stiffen behind her, but she couldn’t reassure her.

She couldn’t reassure Faith that she wasn’t slipping again. She couldn’t reassure Faith that she wasn’t going to turn back into the living dead girl that had once begged Faith to break her. She couldn’t even reassure herself of that right now. Her laughter cut off just like it had begun.

“You deserve that much?” Buffy asked slowly. “Tell me, Will. What have you done to deserve a detailed explanation of my private life? Isn’t that something that’s between me and my lover?”

“Yes, it is,” Willow conceded, flushing. “Okay, I’m sorry. You just startled me.”

“This was a bad idea,” Buffy growled under her breath, dropping her head.

“Buffy,” Faith started gently, releasing Buffy from her hold. “We don’t have to do this.”

“Yes, we do, Faith,” Buffy swung around to face her. “They’ll never just let this be now. And I don’t really want them to, ‘cause I’m just so over all this fucking bullshit. I need this.”

“Okay,” Faith agreed. “Let’s just take it inside, aight? There’s no need to tell the neighborhood.”

***

The air conditioned chill of the restaurant made Buffy shiver. She smiled faintly when she felt Faith step closer to her as they followed Willow to their table. Then she looked up and her smile fell. She could see Kennedy sitting in the booth at the back of the room and she wasn’t alone.

She was reminded all over again of why she was so angry. Her steps slowed and then Faith draped her arm over her shoulders, tugging her forward. She nudged her head against Faith’s shoulder. In response, Faith’s arm tightened around her and Faith leaned in to kiss her ear.

“Trust me, B,” Faith whispered, issuing a low, short chuckle. “He ain’t gonna be here for long.”

Buffy shivered again, this time for a different reason. She did love it when Faith got possessive. Her smile returned, this time with a slight edge to it. Nobody did that better than Faith could.

“Matt?” Willow called out to get his attention.

Now Faith could see him in all his blue eyed, blond haired boy next door glory. Her upper lip curled up in derision. He was cute, if you liked that sort of thing. He reminded Faith of Riley.

“Hey, Willow, what took so long?” He asked, standing up. “And who are your friends?”

“Um, this is Buffy and Faith,” Willow said weakly, gesturing at them.

“Hi,” He said, looking between them in confusion as he held out a hand. “I’m Matt Lowery.”

“Uh, listen, Matt,” Willow stammered. “There’s been a change of plans.”

“Does whatever the problem is have something to do with those bruises?” Matt asked, giving Buffy a friendly, encouraging smile. “Those look kind of nasty. Must be painful.”

“Y’know, Matt,” Faith drawled before Buffy could speak, “You’re smarter than you look.”

“Uh, okay,” Matt said, confused. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing at all,” She denied sweetly, drawing a silent giggle from Buffy.

“So what happened?” Matt asked, shrugging it off. “Did something happen on patrol?”

“It’s called erotic asphyxiation,” Faith interrupted, grinning smugly. “B here likes it rough.”

Buffy’s eyebrows lifted and she dropped her head, shaking it. Faith just hadn’t been able to resist. She sighed. And here she’d been hoping they could get by without giving out details.

“What?” Willow choked out over the sound of Kennedy’s sudden bout of coughing.

“Swallow, Ken,” Faith said dryly in an aside. “It’s not that funny.”

Then she turned back to Matt. He was blushing. Faith rolled her eyes. Then she leaned into Buffy’s side, wrapping herself around Buffy in an intimate embrace that Buffy relaxed into.

“Red over there had the wrong idea,” Faith explained, giving the guy a break. “Buffy is mine. She doesn’t want any part of anything that you or anybody else might have to offer her.”

“Oh,” Matt managed, expressionless.

“And ‘cause Red doesn’t know when to give up, we need to have a little talk,” Faith said, baring her teeth in a grim smile. “Which we would prefer to do without an audience, okay?”

“Sorry about this,” Buffy laughed weakly, “Friends—can’t live with ‘em, can’t shoot ‘em.”

“Hey, hey,” Willow interjected halfheartedly. “There will be no shooting.”

“That remains to be seen,” Buffy drawled peevishly. “Are you gonna start another argument?”

“I’ll catch you later, Will,” Matt said, going unnoticed as he slipped away.

“No, Buffy,” Willow denied softly. “No more arguing. I just—I just want to understand.”

“Will, there are some things I’m not willing to explain,” Buffy sighed, shaking her head. “It’s too personal, and you really wouldn’t want to know when everything was said and done.”

“Let’s just sit down and talk about this, okay?” Willow suggested. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. Like I said before, I just want to understand.”

Buffy and Faith exchanged a look. Then Buffy nodded and Faith waited for her to sit before she slipped into the booth to sit beside her. They looked at Willow expectantly until she sat down. But before they could begin their conversation, one of the waitresses came by to get their orders.

After she was gone, Willow asked quietly, “Is that really how you got those bruises?”

Buffy gave Willow a sickly smile. She really wasn’t comfortable talking about this. That was one of those subjects that it took a lot for her to even be able to discuss with Faith. She sighed.

“Yes,” Buffy managed. “Sometimes I need things a little rough.”

“I—Is this like with Spike?” Willow stammered. “I mean, is it ‘cause of...” She trailed off.

“No,” Buffy almost snapped. “It has nothing to do with him or that. It’s just part of me.”

“Oh,” Willow fell silent.

“I wasn’t willing to accept it before,” Buffy continued, gaze dropping to the scarred Formica tabletop. “Not ‘til I got involved with Faith. And I’m still coming to terms with it.”

“Why did you choose her?” Willow finally asked. “Did she—”

“Hey,” Faith protested sharply. “I didn’t do any fuckin’ thing and I resent that accusation.”

“Faith,” Buffy soothed, squeezing Faith’s hand underneath the table even as she shot Willow a warning glare. “I’m sure Will didn’t mean it the way it sounded.”

“O—of course not,” Willow stuttered, waving her hands frantically. “I know you wouldn’t do anything like that, Faith. You’ve never had trouble getting laid before, right—I mean, no. Don’t tell me that, I don’t want to hear details; not now, not ever, and I’m sure Buffy doesn’t either.”

“Chill, Red,” Faith drawled, amused. “You’re gonna hurt yourself if you keep that up.”

“For the record, I didn’t just choose her,” Buffy finally answered. “She was just the right person to bring out that part of me. She knows what I need and gives it to me without hesitation.”

Her eyes met Faith’s. They both smiled knowingly. That look was warm and full of affection and it said more than their words did. It took Willow and Kennedy both by surprise.

“Why didn’t you guys tell us?” Kennedy finally spoke up after a few seconds. “I mean, now that I think about it, it should’ve been obvious that something was going on between you. But still.”

“Wait, what?” Willow stammered. “In what world was any of this obvious?”

“Babe, they’ve never really hidden it,” Kennedy chuckled softly. “They’re never shy about how they touch each other. And they always kiss, on the lips, like it’s completely natural to them. I’ve never seen them treat anybody else like that unless they were just joking around with us.”

“Oh! That’s why...” Willow trailed off, blinking in surprise as she glanced over at Faith. “That’s why you kissed Xander that one time when we were coming up to meet you at the food court.”

“Yeah,” Buffy said flatly, unhappily remembering the incident in question. “She kissed me hello and then he smarted off, asking her where his kiss was. She laid one on him to shut him up.”

“You were angry, huh?” Willow asked sympathetically.

“Oh yeah,” Faith breathed softly, tightening her arm around Buffy’s waist. “Angry is puttin’ it lightly. She made it very clear that if I ever did that again, I wouldn’t like the results.”

Buffy flinched at the reminder. That was less than three months after they’d first started their relationship. Buffy had just been starting to come out of the darkest part of the depression she’d been in since they’d defeated the First Evil. She’d taken two steps backwards that night.

“But four years?” Willow wondered, hurt. “You guys have been lying to us this entire time. How many times have you let Faith hurt you and then lied to us about how you got injured?”

“Red,” Faith sighed, “It wasn’t like we did it to spite—”

“Faith, wait, let me clear something up first,” Buffy said firmly, then she gave Willow a hard look. “This isn’t some one sided thing, okay? Anything Faith does to me, I ask for, and it’s almost a guarantee that I’ve done the same to her. Don’t even think for one second that she’s doing anything that I’m not enjoying, ‘cause you don’t know the full story behind any of it.”

“O—okay,” Willow stammered, blushing hotly. “But still, four years?”

“It was nice to have something that was just ours and not have to meet the expectations of others,” Buffy said honestly. “We just weren’t ready or willing to give any of that up.”

“What expectations?” Willow asked, confused.

“Willow,” Buffy laughed softly, but it was without humor. “You can’t tell me that you guys aren’t going to expect certain behavior from us now. And fairly often, you’re just not going to get it, which will mean that you guys are going to expect explanations instead. Like now.”

Chapter Nine: The Spider’s Web

“Okay, I can see that,” Willow admitted. “If you guys are into the whole domination/masochism thing, you probably don’t act like most of the couples we know would. But I’m still confused.”

“Will,” Buffy started, and then she just shook her head. They weren’t exactly into BDSM, but it was probably the only way Willow was going to understand any of it. Buffy supposed it wasn’t too far off base from what their relationship was like. She fought off a blush at that thought.

“What are you confused about?” Faith asked, leaning forward slightly.

“You say that in some cases we aren’t going to get the behavior we might expect from you,” Willow started slowly. “But what does that mean? How is that any different than before?”

“There are some days that we still hate each other, Red,” Faith explained bluntly, “We haven’t forgotten about the things we did to each other and sometimes that flares up. We’ve always tried not to let it show in public ‘cause we can get fuckin’ mean, but sometimes that doesn’t work.”

“Oh,” Willow muttered, obviously starting to see the implications. “You guys still fight a lot?”

“Fightin’ would be an understatement for what we do,” Faith sighed. “But that’s just another thing we’ve been worried about when it comes to lettin’ you guys know. If one of you tries to get in the middle of one of our spats, you’re just gonna end up hurt. We don’t want that.”

“Oh,” Willow muttered again.

“Yeah,” Buffy said hoarsely. “Oh.”

***

“Well,” Faith finally muttered. “That didn’t go nearly as bad as we expected.”

They were at Buffy’s loft apartment now. They’d decided to just go home instead of going back to the dorms when they’d finished with lunch. That was nearly two hours ago. They’d been lying curled around each other on the king-sized bed in silence since shortly after they’d arrived.

Neither of them had really felt like talking. They’d needed some distance from the situation to unwind from the tension that the meeting had filled them with. Even though Willow had taken the news surprisingly well, it had still been nerve wrecking. Discussing their relationship had left them both feeling raw, exposed; like they’d just displayed the most private part of themselves.

Of course, that was because they had. And the worst had yet to come, because they knew where Willow was heading as soon as she and Kennedy had left the diner. Neither of them had any illusions as to what Xander’s reaction would be. And they were both dreading it, deeply.

“Mmm,” Buffy just murmured.

She wasn’t ready to talk yet. Instead, she nuzzled her nose in Faith’s neck. She was waiting for the backlash from her restraint. Buffy had never dealt well with emotional roller coasters, and she always paid when she tried to control it, even when it turned out okay, like it had earlier.

She could still feel that bitter, angry resentment. It was like the burn of liquor in her chest. She hated that her friends expected so much of her. Tears pricked at her eyes, even as she sighed.

Buffy was used to it, but that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. It hurt to know that they felt like she owed them. It hurt to know how little her worth as a human being meant to them. Her arms tightened around Faith’s neck as she pulled Faith impossibly closer. Her eyes closed.

Faith just kissed the top of Buffy’s head. Her eyes stayed distant, glaring at the bedroom door. She didn’t want to think. Thinking would lead to remembering, and Faith wanted to keep her belief that she’d helped Buffy far enough along that she was a little more stable than before.

***

Neither of them was surprised when they woke an hour later to the angry sound of someone pounding on the loft door. They shared a silent look as they left the safety and comfort of their embrace, Buffy heading for the stairwell that led to the door and Faith heading for the kitchen. They were going to need fortification for the coming confrontation. Coffee was always helpful.

Their bare feat padded softly across the hardwood floor as they headed for their separate destinations. As Buffy unchained the lock on the door, she listened to Faith rummaging through the cabinets above the sink for the coffee supplies. Then Buffy paused, hand on the door, feeling the vibrations as their visitor continued their assault on the door. With a sigh, Buffy swung the door inward, braced to catch Xander’s fist before he could make contact with her face.

“Whatever it is, I swear I didn’t do it,” She quipped weakly.

“Shut up,” Xander snapped, jerking his hand back.

Buffy just let her arm drop. Then, as Xander shoved past her into the loft, Buffy sighed silently. She closed the door. And then, expression blank, she turned around to follow him up the steps.

He stopped next to the couch and rounded to face her. The disbelief and anger in his expression didn’t come as a surprise. Xander had always been hotheaded beneath his goofy act. He was opinionated and jealous, and his love had never been unconditional; not for her, not ever.

Movement from the small kitchen area in the corner of the loft drew his attention. His expression morphed to one of disgust. It made her chest ache. She glanced over to see Faith leaning on the counter, watching them intently, and then Buffy gave a pained smile as she looked back at him.

“What can I do for you, Xan?” Buffy asked quietly.

His gaze dropped, and then snapped back up to meet hers. His eyes were dark, almost black. Resentment darkened his features and he laughed humorlessly. Then he stopped, abruptly.

“Will wasn’t mistaken, was she?” He demanded.

“No,” Buffy answered simply.

Xander paled and went still. It was the kind of motionlessness that he could only ever achieve when he was too angry for words. She knew it well. She’d seen it often enough, after all.

“Why?” His voice was strangled, “Why her?”

And not me, Buffy heard clearly.

“She’s what I need.”

Buffy wasn’t going to lie to him. She saw the words hit him like a sledgehammer. She regretted it, but not enough to want to take the words back. She just wished it didn’t hurt him so much.

As exposed as she felt, Buffy still wanted this. She would always want Faith. Her friends needed to accept that. She was done making excuses, done with letting things keep her and Faith apart.

“It’s never going to be me, is it?” He asked bitterly, but his gaze flickered between both of them.

Buffy closed her eyes briefly against the pain of realization. He was as close as a brother to her, and that was all she’d ever felt for him. She hadn’t made a secret of that. But Faith; Buffy hadn’t known he’d felt more than the lust any living—and more than a few dead—beings felt for her. So not only had Buffy broken his heart, she’d taken away his second choice to mend it.

Faith let out a breath of surprise. She’d known about his feelings for Buffy. A blind man would have known about that. But she hadn’t realized—hadn’t even considered how he felt about her.

“You knew that, Xander,” Buffy replied in lieu of an answer.

“Sure, I knew you were too twisted and I was too human,” He scoffed, “But y’know, I figured after Wood, I might’ve had at least half of a chance at catching Faith’s attention.”

Faith calmly reached over and flicked the coffee maker off. Coffee wasn’t going to help anything now. Then she straightened, crossing her arms over her chest as she spoke up, her voice hard,

“You’re catching my attention now, but I can tell you right off that it ain’t a good thing.”

The room went silent. The only noises other than three sets of breathing were the click of the AC turning on, and the low, steady ticking of a clock somewhere in the loft. The atmosphere was rife with tension. Buffy’s body was so taut that it hurt when she wrapped her arms around her belly.

“What makes someone need something like that?” Xander hissed, gesturing sharply at the almost invisible remainders of the bruising around Buffy’s throat.

“That’s none of your business,” Faith interjected, seeing Buffy’s expression folding.

Buffy could feel it starting; the fury that made her tremble, the tears that made her eyes burn, the pain that made her want someone else to hurt. Her breathing grew ragged. She saw his eyes go hard. She knew what was coming; and some part of her, the darkness... it was laughing.

“Who broke you, Buffy?” He whispered in revulsion.

Buffy’s heart went cold. The emotion bled out of her expression, leaving her face in shadow. She could feel that familiar numbness drawing her in like quicksand. The emotional backlash had hit.

When Faith started to move forward, Buffy held up a hand, and Faith stopped. She had no choice. This was the jaded part of Buffy that they’d all had a hand in creating. Faith called it the living dead girl, because nothing could touch Buffy when she became her; nothing but pain.

“Oh, I’m not...not really, Xander,” Buffy chuckled, and it was that dark, guttural one that made Faith cringe inside, even as her body responded favorably to it. “The world keeps on trying, and now there’s a spider’s web of cracks that keep leading me deeper into my oblivion every time I slip in my struggle to leave it behind, but I’m not broken. Faith won’t let me break.”

And distantly, Buffy realized she intrinsically believed that. Faith would let her do what she needed. Faith would let her take what she needed. But Faith wouldn’t let Buffy break.

Minutes went by in silence. But she and Faith didn’t look away from each other, couldn’t have. They didn’t notice when Xander left in all his outrage. Their minds were too busy adjusting to a truth that neither of them could have ever believed if they hadn’t had this confrontation.

And this time, months of rage, pain, and tears weren’t needed to pull Buffy out of oblivion.

Epilogue: Sin of Choice

A stick of incense smoldered in an ashtray on the nightstand to the right of the bed and there were candles spread throughout the darkened room on every available flat surface. The flames flickered, casting shadows across the walls and the sheer white lace draping the floor length bay window. A thin haze of smoke filled the room, mixing the scents of candle wax, lavender, and cinnamon incense with the thick fragrance of arousal and the heady scents of blood and sweat.

The two women moved sensually against each other on the bed, gazing into each other’s eyes as they drifted closer to an unseen edge. The candlelight caressed their skin, bathing the muscles flexing beneath their skin in the yellowish-orange light of candles and soft gray shadows. Neither of them was in any particular hurry. For once, they weren’t compelled to fight their needs.

Long blond hair fell in a curtain around their faces as Buffy leaned over Faith, kissing her intently. Then Buffy sat up, tossing her head back to let her hair trail down her back. She let her hand drift down between Faith’s breasts, her slender fingers almost obscuring the small metal object held easily between her thumb and her index finger. She smiled as Faith hissed and she watched as the crimson drops beaded on the surface of Faith’s sweat-slicked skin.

“And the girl realized that maybe she had cracked. But she wasn’t broken; never again,” Buffy murmured as she leaned down to touch her tongue to the fresh wound, tasting her sin of choice.

“Maybe she couldn’t forgive herself,” Faith continued for her, voice hoarse from crying out her release over and over. “But maybe her goddess could forgive her enough that it wouldn’t matter.”

“And the goddess realized that no, she didn’t love herself,” Buffy finished in a whisper, “But maybe her priestess could love her enough to keep her from ever breaking completely.”